Espada Randomness!
by nomorenamesleft
Summary: Another fanfic in my 'Randomness' series, this one will make you see a different side of the Espada which you never thought existed. The random side.  If you knew that the Espada had a random side, then...just read it. :D


**Chapter 1: The chapter involving Grimmjow's donuts, Ulquiorra's eyeball and Gin & Tosen's vision.**

Disclaimer: I don't own the Espada, Bleach, or anything Bleach-related.

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><p>-Hueco Mundo, Las Noches, Espada Meeting Room-<p>

The weekly Espada meeting was about to begin in 30 minutes. Ulquiorra, Nnoitra, Syazel and Tosen were already seated. Ulquiorra was emotionlessly sitting there, Syazel was writing something. Tosen was reading a book, or at least pretending to read it. Grimmjow was arguing with Nnoitra.

"No," said Grimmjow "Donuts should be served before meetings."

"No, they are served during the meetings."

"I don't care! I just want to eat donuts!"

"So what's the point of the meetings if you just want to eat donuts!"

"The point of the meetings IS to eat donuts! You can't get them anywhere else in Hueco Mundo!"

Nnoitra groaned. Grimmjow was not getting the point. Donuts weren't only available during the weekly Espada meetings. They were sold everywhere in the Human World and Grimmjow seemed oblivious to that fact. In fact, most of the food in Las Noches was bought from the Human World, including Aizen's favourite tea.

"HEY!" yelled Grimmjow. "Bring me donuts, NOW!"

A side door opened. A three-armed Hollow wearing a chef's hat hurried into the meeting room and set down three trays of donuts. Grimmjow was about to say 'Took you long enough!' when he noticed something and yelled

"WHAT! Why are there jelly donuts on this tray?"

"What's wrong with that?" asked Syazel

"I HATE jelly donuts!"

"So don't eat them."

"No, it's their presence that angers me! They are an insult to donuts! Firstly, they don't have a hole in the centre! Secondly, they are filled with a horrendous, gluey, sticky, overly-sweet filling! You can't even call them donuts! They have tons more calories than normal donuts too."

"They seem alright to me," said Syazel.

Syazel bit into a jelly donut. Suddenly, he fainted and started twitching from an overdose of sugar and calories. Ulquiorra was slightly amused. He was still expressionless though.

"_That's amusing. Maybe I should feed Syazel jelly donuts regularly and see what happens._"

Grimmjow pointed at the Hollow.

"YOU! You're FIRED!"

The Hollow muttered something that sounded like 'Whatever…'. Grimmjow grew furiouser.

"Shut up! CERO!"

Grimmjow fired off a blue cero at the Hollow. The Hollow lost its head. Or more accurately, the top half of its body. Tosen turned towards Grimmjow.

"Grimmjow. Remember what Aizen said. No Ceros in the meeting hall. Read the signs."

Near the side door was a 2 metre sign. It showed a red cross crossing a picture of a figure (who greatly resembled Grimmjow) firing a Cero at a Hollow. It also said: 'No firing Ceros. This means YOU, Grimmjow.' These signs were situated all over Las Noches. There were about 300 of them.

"What-ever," said Grimmjow. He pulled the donuts towards him and started eating.

"Remember, if you continue to break the 'No Ceros' rule, justice, will be served. In the form of Punishment #66."

Grimmjow flinched, then continued eating.

"_What is Punishment #66?_" thought Ulquiorra "_Why it is terrifying enough to make Grimmjow to stop eating donuts? I should ask Tosen later. Or maybe I shouldn't._"

A few minutes later, Coyote and Lilynette entered, followed by Baraggan, Aaroniero and Gin. Coyote sat down and fell asleep. Gin smiled, making his usual smile even wider.

"Hey everyone," said Gin. He paused near Ulquiorra's chair. "Hello, Ulquiorra."

Ulquiorra said nothing. Gin smiled (Whenever I say 'Gin smiled', I mean 'Gin's smile grew even wider'). With a tinge of hardness in his voice, he said:

"I said, 'Hello, Ulquiorra.'."

Suddenly, Gin hit the back of Ulquiorra's head. Everyone gasped except Tosen, Coyote and Grimmjow. Ulquiorra was actually NOT expecting Gin to hit him. In fact, Gin hit him hard enough for his newly-regrown eye to fall out. (He lost his eye yesterday to Syazel in a game of checkers. It was now probably floating in a jar in Syazel's room. Although Ulquiorra can regrow his eyes in a split second, they will be loose for a few days.)

"Hello, Gin-sama." replied Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra reached for his eye.

"Hey, where's my eye? It's not where not it landed."

Everyone looked around. Suddenly, Ulquiorra stood up.

"Grimmjow, no!"

"Huh? What?"

Grimmjow was about to eat Ulquiorra's eye.

"Don't eat that."

"Why not?"

"…_He's blind. _I'm serious."

Grimmjow laughed.

"Ha! I know, Ulquiorra, you want to eat this donut! Well, TOO BAD! This is MY donut, MINE, hah!"

Ulquiorra angermarked. Everyone watched in silent amusement as Grimmjow stuffed Ulquiorra's eyeball, whole, into his mouth. Even Coyote had one eye open. Suddenly, Grimmjow's eyes bulged and he spat out the eyeball.

"PWAH! What was that fuckin' thing? Huh? Ulquiorra's eyeball?"

Everyone watched as the eyeball sailed over the table in a graceful arc…and hit Syazel squarely in the face.

"AAAHHH THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY FACE I CAN'T SEE AAAHHH!"

Syazel succeeded in removing the eyeball from his face. He threw it in a random direction. The eyeball landed with a wet splat on the table and it rolled near Tosen's arm. Then, with uncanny precision (for a blind guy), he picked up the eyeball and threw it in the direction of the entrance, in which Yammy just stepped through. The eyeball passed cleanly through Yammy's Hollow hole.

"Hey guys-WHAT THE? WHAT WAS THAT?"

Nnoitra was clapping.

"Wow, not bad for a blind guy. Sometimes, that makes me wonder whether you're really blind."

Tosen turned back to his book and continued to pretend to read it.

"I may not have my sight, but I'm guided, by the vision of justice."

Tosen turned a page. Yammy sat down. The Espada shrugged at each other. Ulquiorra got up to retrieve his eyeball when Zommari walked through the entrance.

"Hey every-AAAH!"

Zommari stepped on the eyeball and fell dramatically. The eyeball was squashed.

Ulquiorra's recent memories and thoughts were projected in the hall. The Espada watched in silence. Zommari followed by Tier sat down. Ulquiorra sighed and covered his empty left eye socket.

"Hey, don't cover it!" exclaimed Syazel "I want to see your eye regenerate!"

The rest of the Espada looked forward eagerly.

"Fine. This will be PG18, viewer discretion is advised."

The Espada watched in horror as Ulquiorra's eye regenerated. Eyeball juice was drippimg out (The same colour with his tear-like markings on his face) together with some blood. Grimmjow dropped his half-eaten donut and Coyote was not sleeping. Nnoitra puked. Seconds later, Ulquiorra's eye was fully regenerated. He reached for a serviette to wipe up the mess.

"The reason I cover my socket when eye regenerates is to keep the eyeball fluids and blood in. Dehydration can kill in this climate."

Gin looked at Nnoitra.

"Nnoitra, clean the puke off the ground with your tongue."

"What?"

"Now."

"Hey, wait!"

"Or we will see how hard your Hierro really is."

"Ok, I'll get a mop and-"

"Ikorose, Shin-"

"Alright!"

Nnoitra got on the ground and cleaned up his puke.

"Fuck you, Gin-sama."

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

Nnoitra finished cleaning his puke. He went to the toilet to wash his tongue out.

"My Cero will never taste the same again…"

A few minutes after Nnoitra returned, Aizen entered with Wonderweiss.

"Good morning, everyone."

"Good morning, Aizen-sama."

Aizen placed Wonderweiss in a high door and sat next to him. Wonderweiss looked around.

"Blafigud."

"Looks like Wonder-boy is still a retard," said Grimmjow.

"Yes, but it can't be helped," said Baraggan.

"Alright," said Aizen. "Before we start, I would like to have a word with Gin and Tosen."

Aizen, Gin and Tosen stood and went into a separate room.

"Deebula."

"Hey, don't you think Gin-sama and Tosen-sama are weird?" said Lilynette.

"How so?" asked Tier.

"Well, Gin-sama has eyes but he can see. Tosen-sama has eyes but can't see."

The Espada slowly contemplated this fact.

"Maybe Gin-sama has X-ray vision," said Aaroniero.

"But he doesn't wear X-ray goggles," said Zommari.

"Maybe his eyeballs have X-ray powers!" exclaimed Lilynette.

The Espada contemplated some more.

"How about Tosen-sama?" asked Zommari. "How does he see?"

"Maybe he does echolocation, like a bat," said Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra started waving his arms while making funny sounds which the Espada presumed to be bat squeaks. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Deergulagi."

At that moment, the three leaders of the Espada returned.

"Sorry for the wait, fellow Espada. Shall we begin?"

"Yes, Aizen-sama."


End file.
